Fear of failure or fear of success...

I did a pre-dan grading course on Saturday to find out if I'm definitely ready for this black belt grading on June 12th. I have written my main report about this on my other blog: Pre-dan grading course - a dose of reality! but there are a few extra things that came out of it that I want to discuss here.

What do I fear most failure or success?

I don't actually fear failure. If I fail and I can see good reason for it then I could accept that with good grace. In fact I would be one of the first people to feel disgruntled if people were passing  when they didn't deserve it as this diminishes the success of those that do deserve to pass. I don't want to fail obviously but I don't fear what failure would do to me - as long as I could see it was fair. I would just train for longer and try again - I wouldn't quit.

What about success? We all want success in our black belt grading but does it always sit comfortably? People often feel unworthy of their black belt, worried about the expectations that may be placed on them or worried that they may not live up to people's expectations of a 'black belt'. I'm not particularly worried that I may feel like this. If I feel that I've really earned a black belt then I hope I will feel proud to wear it.

But there lies the rub....What I really fear is that success may feel like failure; that the experience of grading will be so bruising emotionally that I won't be able to enjoy my success. I want my grading to feel like a positive experience - Physically shattering, yes! Mentally draining, yes! But emotionally battering, no! I don't want my black belt to be a constant reminder of a negative experience. Why should I fear this? Well because I know it has happened to someone close to me. Someone who never really came to terms with his black belt because of the experience gone through to obtain it and he no longer practices that martial art. Don't get me wrong, he is a mentally strong and resilient person and he was physically capable of performing the art but those emotions just creep up on you in unexpected ways and can leave scars that last for years. I don't want my karate to be tainted in this way.

Forewarned is forearmed! My pre-dan grading course has made me realise that I am susceptible to emotional pressure - that I can become negative and stressed way too easily. I need to deal with now. I need to change my perception of the grading - knock it off its grand pedestal and realise it's just another grading, another step of the journey completed. I need to get my head in the right place and go into the grading with a positive spirit and a realistic expectation of my ability. A pass, whatever the mark will be a worthy pass and should feel like success.

What do you fear most success or failure?

Slowing down, speeding up and Iain Abernethy seminar....

I decided to slow down a bit this week. I don't think I've been giving myself enough time to recover between sessions.

Over the last few weeks the schedule has been:



Monday 1.5 hour workout at home in the morning followed by 2.5 hours of karate classes in the evening,
Tuesday push-up challenge,
Wednesday 1.5 hour karate class,
Thursday push up challenge,
Friday 1.5 hour workout at home,
Saturday push up challenge and
Sunday 1.5 hour kobudo class.

So, not a lot of time for recovery between sessions! My muscles have been aching and I've been more stiff than usual following a session so I think a slow down was definitely needed.

This week I've laid off the push up challenge. I repeated week 5 last week and still failed to achieve 45 consecutive push ups in the exhaustion test. I decided that rather than repeat week 5 again I would take a week out and then try the exhaustion test again to see where I'm at.

I've still managed to fit in my two long home training sessions but I've concentrated very much on karate rather than general fitness. I had been determined to pin down my ippon kumite techniques this week but alas time ran out on me. This will definitely be my job next week...

Sensei was clearly not aware that I was trying to rest up a bit this week and decided to have a fitness binge with us on Wednesday. This consisted of push ups, sit ups, squats, burpees, running around....and that was just the warm up. We then moved onto pad work and after doing a few minutes of punching we were straight into doing the following sequence: 10 kicks with each leg of - front kick, roundhouse kick, back kick, side kick, spinning hook kick and jump kick! Just when we thought it was all over Sensei shouts 20 push ups! Followed by a 1 minute plank, followed by standing in shikko dachi (horse stance) for 1 minute. Get a drink! Then immediately into kata with bunkai demonstration. After doing 3 different kata : Get your sparring mitts on! Two rounds of sparring was then followed by some stretching. There was definitely some soaking wet gis after that session!

Last Sunday I attended a seminar with Iain Abernethy. This is the second seminar I've attended with him and it is always a great experience. I can't believe how fast that guy can execute self-defence techniques - you just wouldn't stand a chance against him! Anyway we focused on the bunkai from pinan nidan (there's always more to that kata than meets the eye) and then looked at bunkai from Bassai Dai. This was especially useful for me as Bassai Dai is one of my kata for shodan grading. Iain is such an easy, approachable guy with lots of amusing anecdotes to tell in between teaching us. Apparently he was impressed with our standard of kata which he said made it easier for him to teach us bunkai. Nice to know I can do something right!

The photo above shows left to right: Steve Hegarty (my instructor), Iain Abernethy and me!